Expectations...


Expectations get left unspoken, which is what makes them really deadly... they lurk like land mines, waiting to be stepped on (or to be unmet,) by unsuspecting peoples, releasing waves of disbelief, disappointment, & other dis'ses. Its not that we want the expectation to be unknown (usually,) we just take for granted that what we expect is good, right, & normal, so any thinking, feeeling, breathing person will obviously already know what is expected, because they expect it too. But then they don't, & we're violated, hurt & fragile, trying to figure out how to handle the insensitivity of the one who was blindsided...

If you really want to get down to brass tacks... (BTW: Where does

that

expression come from? Anyone? Anyone?) ...it seems that it would be beneficial to take some time to get proactive & actually articulate OUT LOUD what the expectations just might be in advance of detonating massive amounts of emotional & relational C4.

10 launchings into the blogosphere....:

Georgia said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brass_tacks

scoey-d said...

Thanks Georgia...

From wikiwikiwiki-pedia:
Brass tacks is an object used in the popular expression "get down to the brass tacks". The expression usually means clearing out confusing details and finding out the real facts about something.

The etymology of the expression likely has roots in the way fabric manufacturers used to mark out a yard in tacks on the counter so customers could buy their fabric accordingly.
In the 1860's the US government issued boots for soldiers that were constructed using brass tacks to hold the leather soles on to the bottoms of their boots. As the boots wore down, the tacks would protrude through the sole and in to the bottom of the soldier's feet. 'Brass tacks' could mean to get to the absolute bottom of things in reference to shoes.

The Age said...

Hmmmmm... I'm not sure how to respond to this. Is this advice or just observation. Or did I miss the the point on this one.

scoey-d said...

Ooops....

I'm not trying to be too cryptic, or to 'get a message' to someone...

Sorry Age - & anyone else confused by my ramblings... Its just me putting out my ponderings because they had to go somewhere or my brain would've become Cream O'Wheat. Or l would have turned to mush.

Maybe it is good advice. Communicate your expectations. Just because you can't think of any right now doesn't mean you don't have any. If y'all are still trying to figure out what your expectations are in a specific situation, think, "What would make me as mad as blazes if it didn't happen & I wish'd it would have?" Like if ones wife communicates that she doesn't really want a present for her berf-day, but in reality is crushed like a lily when her husband actually takes her at her spoken words instead of using his special decoder ring that he should never have misplaced to translate the words she said into the expectations she actually had. Or something like that. Hypothetically.

PS - please note that the Bean's berf-day is in April, so this isn't necessarily autobiographical.

The Age said...

I find your blogging very constructive to my life Louie. In fact often I usually find myself saying, "That's me. Put my name on that list." Like in this case I can find areas where I've let God, family, and friends down.

TPluckyT said...

It's like, I have expectations of myself, but when I don't verbalize them, I often fail to get what I want from myself. This results in a self-loathing frustration that can only be resolved through angry sex.

(Okay, I know that didn't make any sense, but it was far safer than the wife analogy.)

shontell said...

yikes.
back on topic...sort of- I have been struggling with extending mercy to a friend who keeps letting me down. I don't feel that my expectations are too high or secret. She offers, but then she bails at the last minute. Then I found myself avoiding her until I was done being irritated. Then whamo! she did it again. My fault, you are thinking, I know, but really!? That whole let your yes be a real yes-it is in there for a purpose. Maybe this is happening because God is giving me a dose minus the spoonful of sugar. I dunno. Clearly adding to the ramblings!

scoey-d said...

Age- glad you find the blogging constructive - I believe its never too late to communicate -

TPT- whew. If I don't verbalize my self-expectations, then I don't have to own it if/when I don't meet them. When I don't verbalize my expectations on others, I can be pretty sure that they won't meet them, & I'll be frustrated. If my expectations are communicated, they still might not be met, but at least it gives a talking point; further, it may be that my expectations are so self-centered & self-serving that they'll never be met...

Shontell- tough call, because you get to live it out with the 'friend' in question.

I can totally relate - am I being a good friend if I don't continue to extend myself when others are not participating in the friendship by continually flaking on commitments? I don't think so - I'm actually being foolish to continue to rely upon the unreliable. At some point, a friend shows they are a friend by being a friend.

Continuing to be available for friendship is one thing - giving a 'friend' a stick to whack me with is another.

David said...

You're a fascist, but I bet censoring me brought you back to the good ol' days of fantasy football.

scoey-d said...

dabey-
yep. I am a fascist. & I randomly censor whatever I want to within my domain. Does it hurt more becausee you're a jurinalist?

And I do miss Fantasy Football.