Showing posts with label Married Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Married Life. Show all posts

A Life In Review...

I really enjoyed our trip to Virginia, especially looking in the rear-view mirror... & in light of the breakneck pace at which the school year has begun (for at least the older two) has been matched by a growing weariness that I know is not unique to me & mine...

At the same time, rather than just put my proverbial nose to the grindstone & push through, I'm trying to examine life & see what can be changed about it - the things that I'm committed to do, be a part of, oversee, carry on, etc. Instead of doing it all, I'm trying to evaluate self & remove that which can be removed, or at the least, shelve what can be shelved. (Removing is permanent; shelving is putting something up until later.) I'm finding that I, too, am a notoriously poor self-evaluator, or that I am incredibly optimistic about all that I can do in a week's time. Or a days. And butting up against the 'doing feelings' that cry & whine whenever I try to balance my life by leaving a task undone, nagging for just "15 more minutes." Especially when it's not a 'want to do' but a 'need to do.'


A couple of things have happened in the last week that have gotten my attention, & have prompted a more introspective house cleaning of the scoey machine...

  • Last week, in a classic heart to heart, theBean brought to my attention the fact that I seem to have the same issue that Zay has (you can read about it here...) - yes, its that I must think that I have superpowers with what I had committed myself to.

    And the problem, it seems, is that I don't see a problem... & this time, rather than try to bluster my way past theBean, or dance around it, or try to use the remote to "mute" her (BTW: I don't recommend this. The sheer act of pointing a remote at one's spouse has proved, multiple times, to be ill-advised...) So, instead of doing those things, l listened. And I asked her advice. And some of what she said made sense to me... while other things seemed so, so wrong. But, going on the premise that I may not see stuff as accurately for my emotional, physical, & mental well-being & health, I asked Jesus about what she'd said. And got a peace about it. Sigh. The times, they are a-changin'. (Thanks to Robert Zimmerman for that.)

  • Second, I heard from my brother, Moe - seems he's been diagnosed with some version & degree of HCM, which is a fancy way of saying that something in the heart doesn't work & the results of that can be catastrophic... It was his birthday & I had called him to talk about the kind of things that brothers talk about on birthdays as we age... & to hear this was a shock.

    More shock, though not alarm - this HCM can be hereditary, so Brother & I are both trying to get appointments for our own EKG... only to find that the next opening with the next available doctor in the Greater Reno/Sparks metropolitan area is 29 September. Sigh again.

    No panic, no frustration, just 'meaning of life' type introspection, couched in the fact that priorities & responsibilities are shifting... from without & from within. And that's ok.
  • a few things...

    Had coffee & good talks with Shontell's brother, Kristopher yesterday... we coffeed locally, at a place owned by a guy named Jim, not one of them coffee chains. We got to hang for a couple of hours, & the only interruptions we had were from Jim pouring beans into the roaster right behind us... throughout our entire coffee-ing. Made me think of the Age's job in Minden as KOTR (King of the Roaster's) for the Siren Coffee Chain...


    Over the last couple of days, we've seen some interesting things...

    Driving from Blacksburg home to Christiansburg, we saw a motorcycle pulling something. I was intrigued, so I pulled up to find that it was a hollowed out log, like a log from a theme-park log ride, with a dog in the back of the log. A dog wearing aviators glasses. A dog named "Ruby."

    Now, it's not that I'm a dog lover, or that I thought that the scenario of the guy pulling his dog was especially cute, or that my mother-in-law's name is Ruby...


    On the same drive, we saw Bo & Luke Duke, as well as the General Lee, sitting outside of Cooter's Garage. 'nuff said.

    Went to the Salem Avalanche game last night - the "Salem Men's Choral Group" - old guys in their 80s & 90s, in tuxes - sang the National Anthem, which was cool. The best part was that they walked (& walk-ered) onto the field to GNR's "Welcome to the Jungle..." Truly.

    I'm thankful for our daily discussions with Chuck - every day, I've/we've spent at least 90 minutes in conversation - & have received a lot of input. Things that stand out to me so far as I process internally & in this virtual arena...
  • Making sure that I know, recognize, & live within my limits (& rhythms) in the areas of time, relationships, energy output & investment (among others) is a key for me...
  • Being able to lead oneself is imperative for personal & relational growth... Knowing what to say "Yes" & "No" to. Not living by my whims, taking on a victim's mentality, blaming others for my issues, choices, etc. "Leading oneself" might also be called self-control, self-discipline, self-governing, self-boundaries... & it's not a rigid, militaristic way of life, but is a "fruit of the Spirit" way of life.
  • Feeding my soul is necessary for life in its fullness.
  • Feeding the soul of my relationship with theBean is necessary for that relationship to thrive.
  • The kind of relationships I want require that 2 people are both feeding into them; are taking responsibility for their own selves; not looking for the other to fulfill or complete me... Not being taken advantage of. Not being used as a 'means to an end.'
  • If I don't stop & grieve, I can't grow. This means grieving where I've experienced loss: death, of friendships, unfulfilled dreams, hurts, disappointments, friends moving, etc. My observation is that we (Americans) & we (the American Church) don't grieve much. Or well.
  • Jesus is more concerned with me, the person, & in the process I'm in, & how I "play with others around me", than in anything I could ever do, any role I ever fulfill, any output or accomplishment that comes from my life.
  • There are things that I would still be doing/living even if I didn't have the job I have; remembering that, & trying to stay congruent by 'doing/living' those things now, is something I'm pondering.


    I have a couple of travel uniforms - meaning, I wear the same pants & shirt... funny, but comforting. My 'new' jeans. White T. Sweet black support socks (to keep the blood flowing instead of pooling in my feet.) Blue polo. Comfy black slip ons. My 1 belt. Yeah. It's all laid out, right now, ready to go. Only 24 hours & I'll be on a jet plane with my girlfriend, coming back to my family. And the life that I love. And am thankful for. Sigh.

    Thank you.
  • Saturday & Sunday


    Saturday was largely a driving around day - drove to Floyd & borrowed some internet to post the "Friday & Floyd". Then headed out to the Blue Ridge Parkway to drive the beautiful Blue Ridge Hills, & also to check out a couple of the viewpoints that the locals love so much. On our drive, we visited the Villa Appalaccia Winery, & also the Chateau Morrisette. The "Villa" is set in the Blue Ridge Hills like an Italian Villa - very beautiful, the kind of place that theBean thought would be a great place to visit for a picnic lunch, complete with the gingham patterned tablecloth to sit on. Incredible views, & a small, cozy, family type atmosphere, where they grow all their own grapes (a rarity) & work the vineyards themselves.



    The Chateau was the opposite of the Villa - & is the biggest wine producer in Virginia (180,000 gallons/year.) They import from Oregon & California, & have a tour, a tasting, & a 4-star restaurant to go with it (which we didn't eat at.) It was a tourist attraction :), & it was fun to see - ran into people from Massachusetts, Ohio, & Maryland on the tour (the New Clairvaux tour was better...) We enjoyed going at a snail's pace, both on the tour, & on the drive home. We ended up with some breathtaking postcard-like pictures, & also a sense of accomplishment at finding just what it was we were looking for on the drive, even though there were NO identification signs anywhere...




    There are a lot of difficult things about being gone from home - the hardest is being away from our kids - they are troopers & for the most part can navigate through just about any & every situation, but it is still really heartbreaking being separated, even for this short 10 day time period - it is hardest when they're in a point of need: when Pasty gets hurt at football practice & needs some bandaging up; when Joey needs a bit of directional attention; when Weez wants to celebrate her undefeated soccer team. Knowing that we have to (get to?) be here for this time makes it easier for me, but not so much for theBean... or for the kids. Sigh.

    Sunday - we got up & went to church at The Bridge a Foursquare Church located on the Crosspointe Campus.... It made me miss being home more than ever; theBean & I talked quite a bit about this... esp. how church really is about people - the people that we know & have relationships with... real friendships that have gone through the wringer of pain, hurt, grace, & healing together. People that we love. Can't wait to get home :).

    We were feeling a bit melancholy, missing the kids & missing our church family, so we went to Blacksburg for wings & Starbucks... found the "best wings in town" at a place called Sharkey's. Not sure if they're THE best, but they kick butt on Buffalo Wild Wings, & they had a great patio where we got to sit so we didn't have to watch the Olympics. :)

    Spent an hour or so walking downtown Blacksburg, definitely our favorite spot of all the favorite spots, & camped for a bit at the Kent Square Starbucks - theBean took a few more pictures of the Square & its outdoor seating area...




    Thanks for your prayers - we really need them.

    We're going "low-key" tonight - do the laundry & the dishes, vacuum, & maybe watch a little TV. We'll hang around the campus - I might shoot some hoop later on.

    Friday & Floyd...

    We’ve been smitten with intermittent internet – which of course means that when I want to get on & check for pictures of Weezer’s soccer game, or set my fantasy baseball lineup, or check out the Blue Ridge Highway vineyards, it’s not available. Usually, it’s only dysfunctional for about 2 hours at a time, but today we’ve been experiencing a higher level of unavailability. Sigh.

    NOTE: I ended up posting this on our way to the Villa Appalachia Winery - found some free internet advertised, & borrowed it for 10 minutes. Thanks, Al Gore.


    Yesterday, we took the afternoon to head the 22 miles on 8S to go to Floyd, Virginia. Floyd only has 1 stoplight, but it is quite the Mecca for music & the arts – the entire downtown (all 3 blocks) is set up for street musicians – with little brick cul-de-sacs & benches set up for visitors & locals to wander by & listen. In our 20 minute walk, we came upon 3 separate art galleries, where many local artists have their work displayed. Sculptures, photographs, paintings, & drawings.

    All of the businesses we visited, from the coffee house/bookstore combo (The Black Water) to the Oddfella’s – restaurant offering French cuisine with an Appalachian flavor – there were musicians playing – some from Floyd, but many who were driving in from as far as 100 miles away for the Friday night happenings.

    The main ‘event’ in town, the one that Floyd is famous for happens at the Floyd Country Store, & is called the Friday night Jamboree. People started showing up for the 6:30 event at 3:30; fortunately, theBean & I were able to get a helpful running commentary from the regulars - a group of very welcoming, friendly people, who explained in detail what was going on to us & the other 1st timers.

    From 5:30 on, the Floyd Country Store shuts down the back ½ of the store, & sets up a dance floor around a mini-stage. There’s also about 200 chairs around the dance floor – we made our way to our seats about 20 minutes early & it’s a good thing, as the whole room was filled. At 6:30, the STATEMENTS (a band made up of 4, 16-22 year olds) led off the evening with the customary 1 hour of blue-grass gospel music, which people can sing along to, but that no one gets up & dances to. The songs ranged from “I’ll Fly Away” to “Amazing Grace,” & there were lots of songs about heaven & what comes next. Before you start bemoaning the experience that we ‘got’ to sit through, let me tell you: it was one of the most incredible musical performances I’ve witnessed personally. There was phenomenal flatpicking on the acoustic guitar, mandolin & banjo. Guys growing up in other places in the US might hope to become guitar heroes. Here, in the Appalachians, they aspire to master the banjo. And as hokie as you might think that sounds, it was really impressive to watch, & a privilege to be a part of. Wow!

    After an hour of gospel, band change – 2Old, 2Young – 2 old guys, 2 young guys. I was informed that this was “the dance band,” made up of violin (fiddle) stand up bass, guitar, & 5 string banjo. This is when the dancing started – the clogging & flat-footing. It is accentuated by the noise made by the taps on the bottoms of shoes. Incredible, with an occasional square dance thrown in.

    It was fun for me, knowing the history & a bit of background about those that settled in the Appalachians: largely Irish & Scottish immigrants. It was easy to hear the influence of ‘Celtic’ music in the bluegrass; then, watching the clogging/flat-footing, you can see the similarities with Irish step-dancing. People of all ages, 3 to 90, danced solo, danced with partners, danced in 4somes. They danced with their arms by the sides, & the guys often had their hands in their pockets. Really, a sight to behold.

    We hung out for a couple of hours, then went for a walk in the rain – back to our car. I had something in my right eye that turned it blood red (no, don’t think it was peroxide. This time.) So we went home to watch the Olympics.


    Every day, including Friday, we’ve spent a chunk of time in counseling, talking through & about how we communicate. I think that we’re both seeing that we are growing from even where we were 1 year ago. And we’re understanding each other. It helps to get an evaluation from someone like Chuck too – someone that knows us & has for years. He encouraged us that we’re doing really well in how we’re working through our stuff – as people, as a couple, & as a team. For me, I want to grow… to know & love God more… to know & be known by others; to love people.

    We have talked about church as well – in general, & with some specifics (which is fun, because Chuck knows our local context, Hillside, too.) And to hear his observations about us & Hillside… that we’re following a ‘simple call’ to a “long obedience in the same direction.” I thought that was cool, as that’s the book I’ve been revisiting this week, & have recommended to about 4 people in the last month - & to have him use that as his analogy, & to have him recommend it to both of us to read was a point of encouragement & confirmation that we’re on a good track, albeit one that is different than many; a unique journey, one where’s there’s not many footsteps of others to follow or to walk in.

    And that’s ok.







    Musings on a Thursday...

    Coffee tastes better in a "for here cup" than in a "to-go cup." The Starbucks @ Kent Square also has a great atmosphere that makes the coffee better. Truly. And just around the corner, hidden away, is a great cookie store called Crumb & Get It. TheBean had a chocolate/chocolate-chip, warmed up, along with her Grande Pike Place. I picked out some of the chips; think that they were bittersweet chocolate, instead of the semi-sweet (read: Nestle Tollhouse) that I'm used to sniping at home. A great store. Thanks for the heads up on it Shontell.

    Something that has popped up a lot in my studies & preparations (reading Job, Galatians, & the 1, 2, & 3 Johns; & works by Eugene Peterson, and Henri Nouwen, and Jerry Cook, et al) has been the idea & need of people to be known & understood... & how this 'understanding' is often tied to 'agreeing' with someone. Can it be that there is 'understanding' without 'agreeing'? I think so, but it seems that the two often get tied together... & thus conflict arises & develops where one strives for 'agreement' in the name of 'understanding'...

    On that note - one of the major challenges for me (& for the Christ-follower in general) is to learn to differentiate between "agreement" & "acceptance". We often equate 'acceptance' of a person, (esp. those that are different than us in their morals, values, choices, political outlook, preferences,) with 'agreeing' with the person. And don't want to be associated with the person's views, values, etc. that we DON'T agree with, so there's no acceptance. And we end up hanging out with or including only those that agree with us. E.G. It's the bone that the religious legalists had to pick with Jesus - in that He hung with people whose lives were disagreeable to their idea of propriety - one's that they didn't agree with. And couldn't see how Jesus could accept them knowing the points of obvious disagreement, that Jesus HAD to see. To me, its a life-calling for everyone that wants to walk in Jesus' footsteps: extend acceptance, w/o condescension or judgment. At the least, it's food for thought.

    Even though there is a lot of 'down' time, we're filling it with silence (reading &/or thinking,) hanging out in beautiful, warm spots on the VTU campus, & having shared experiences, (ala the baseball trips, walking the Blacksburg Farmer's Market, cruising the "Mall", sitting at TOTS, & having long talks about nothing & everything. It's feeding & watering to the soul, & is a blessed respite for the two of us.

    As time goes by, I become more & more aware that good friends are to be treasured.
    Again, I'm reminded that Reno is a great place to live. Hmmm. Contented sigh.
    Craving movie popcorn for the last couple of days. I think I need.

    Day 3

    Started the morning with some link sausage & eggs, covered with whipped cream. Either my taste buds are wacky now, or I've discovered one of those little joys of how certain foods go well together, even when they may not be usually paired together. Went to my 1st solo appointment with Chuck - hit the ground running (ok, talking) & really enjoyed the conversation... it really was a time of 'connecting the dots' for me - esp. in light of the EHS materials that I've been going over for the last while.

    Finished up & had to process - lots of processing - lucky for me, the gym was open, so I went in & ran around for about an hour, shot some hoop, & checked out the 'weight room;' decided "No Thanks!" on the weights & shot some more. It was sweltering in the gym - which is almost the perfect atmosphere for what I was doing.

    After getting cleaned up, theBean & I went to WalMart to return some defective hair product, then headed back to our favorite spot that we've discovered so far: the Starbucks @ Kent Square. TheBean picked up a magazine or two from the VTU student union building, & I dove back into A Long Obedience... We hung out outside until our parking stub had to be re-validated.


    By that time, we were pretty hungry; & I was craving wings - & thought that I'd seen an ad for a Buffalo Wild Wings somewhere in Blacksburg. We didn't know for sure, but were both feeling pretty adventurous - & decided to try & deduce where a Buffalo Wild Wings SHOULD be, & then go find it. We both agreed that the best place for such a business would be in close proximity to the campus in order to take advantage of the 'locusts' - kinda like you see around the UNR campus.

    So, we had a plan, & a general idea, & started driving. Did a couple of switchbacks & U-Turns, & found a street that looked promising - boom. There it is. Total search time: 10 minutes. Nice. We are awesome.


    The first night, we'd gone to Salem to catch a Carolina League, "High" Class A baseball game; tonight we wanted to try something different, a trip to Pulaski for a Rookie League game. Drove about 20 minutes to the I-81 exit, & then drove through town, looking for the park where the game would be held. It was only 6 p.m. but the streets were totally barren, like everyone had been raptured but us. Nothing & no one anywhere. We drove for about 30 minutes looking for the park, driving up & down insanely steep hills, through neighborhoods that made me wish I warn't so 'city-fied'. Finally, we found a service station, & a nice guy named Doug that pointed us in the direction of the park. Took 5 minutes to get there.

    All I can say is that Calfree Park, home of the Pulaski Mariners, is as far from the Salem experience we had, as is the east from the west. Wow. For theBean, who loves people watching, we entered a gold mine. It was "Halloween In August" night at the game, which meant lots of people dressed up in all sorts of costumes, with a Mayberry flair (& I mean that in a good way.) Other highlights from the night:

  • There was 6 feet difference between the general admission seats & the box seats.
  • One of the "Reserved Box Seats" was called the "No Red Sox" Box. No fans of the Sox were allowed inside it.
  • The ball game seemed to be a social highlight, so there was all kinds of strutting going on, from the teen girl squad, to the pseudo-jock crowd, to the good old boys, to the 'looking back at the glory days' group - pretty amazing. (Again, a gold mine.)
  • The announcer (& press box crew) took every opportunity to show off their ability to use technology (sound effects, including some from movies, & music) to poke fun at the other team - the Bluefield Orioles. For example, one of the guys (the oldest players are 21 & 22; some are 17 & 18) had a Giambi-like mustache; whenever he came to the plate, the announcer would play the Magnum PI theme song. Priceless. And for a strike out? Wayne & Garth saying "Schwing!"
  • The two 10-12 year old boys behind us had a running commentary going on - think Opie meets the Dukes of Hazzard. Then they got onto the topic of which one of them was "sexier" than the other. Finally, one of them said, "I am soooo sexy, that I've got two middle names. Sexy & sexy." I lost it when they then fought over which one had the sexiest mother.
  • TheBean, in her people watching, had a couple of gems as well; she asked, "Are these people all related? Because they all look alike. Especially the small noses..."

    Good times. The home team lost a pitchers duel (2-0) but it was a great experience. Again. We'll probably catch at least one more game while we're here... probably in Salem.
    Ended the night with Double Cheeseburgers, 47 Pound Rooster, & the Office. And some deep talks. Very nice. Here's some pics.





  • Day 2 - VTU & the Ballgame...

    Bean & I started our trek into Blacksburg with a stop at Starbucks, a beautiful brick building on the edge of campus - interesting to see the area almost totally empty, knowing that in about 3 days, all of that is going to change as students descend on the campus for the Fall semester. A person we talked to described it as the 'coming of the locusts.' I hope to see it... from a safe distance of course. From there it was on to the Campus Store, where one can purchase all things Hokie, (no pun intended). All I could see was wave after wave of orange & brown. I picked up a couple of hats & a shirt for the kids. Don't tell them, as it's a surprise.




    We walked the area around the campus entrance for a few minutes & took the requisite pictures in front of the sign at the entrance.

    Actually, we took more than a few pictures, but with the combo of our camera, the time of day (about 4:30 which isn't late, no, no, it's early, early...) & my technical expertise, we didn't manage to get any usable ones. Which, for fans of digital cameras, you can know is quite the accomplishment. Yay me.

    Suffice it to say: lots of rolling green grass, row upon row of trees... a really nice place... & almost completely devoid of people. Except a couple of over-achiever early arrivals (probably engineering students...)



    Baseball is beautiful.

    We left for Salem, VA to catch the Avalanche game with the Braves affiliate from Myrtle Beach - the Pelicans (who wore a baby blue ensemble that would have made Stacy & Clinton cringe.) Bought box seats ($8/each) in the 4th row behind the home dugout. Turns out the Avs are in last place. There was a lack of energy in the place, (dugout included) that even theBean noticed. Throughout the game the 'energy lack' showed up with uninspired play at times, a few defensive miscues, 3 separate baserunning (or base-coaching) issues, 3 times having the bases loaded, 3 times not scoring. Ouch.

    No matter. We were at a baseball game. The weather was beautiful, the setting was next to perfect. No one was around for 3 or 4 rows, though Annie Savoy was in the front row, greeting all the players (& coaches) every time they ran off of the field. Living out the local version of Bull Durham... Weird.

    By the 6th inning beer goggles & beer muscles were in full-effect. TheBean & I laughed constantly, esp. because the Appalachian accent gets more pronounced in proportion to the amount of beer consumed. Very nice.


    All kidding aside - there were many, many highlights from the night - one of which was watching the 'community' - people who attend the games with season tickets - interacting with each other, catching up, being in each others lives. Made me long for next year when Reno gets our own team (actually Tucson's team. Thanks Tucson!) To be able to hang with family & friends is something that I'm really looking forward to.

    Again, baseball is beautiful. I took some pictures of the field, & got a semi-closeup of Koby Clemens, catcher for the Avs - he didn't play, but...


    After the game (stayed through the last out, baby!) we exited the parking lot without any trouble - & drove the 25 minutes 'home' to CSR, with only a stop by McDonald's for dinner. I needed to get my 5 Double Cheeseburgers for $5. In our living room, theBean ate leftover scallops from Outback, while I scarfed my burgers. We shared some Gnarly Head Cab & watch a couple episodes of "The Office" - Season 3, w/the deleted scenes. The Diwali episode was priceless.

    Ahhh. All in all, a very nice day.


    And now the pics - enjoy!





    Day 2

    TheBean & I got up about 8 local time, meaning that we're probably one day away from being acclimated to the time difference on EST... Found that the campus has a gym (parque' floor, ala the old Boston Garden) with glass backboards, & an atmosphere like Hickory High's gym... I checked in & found that it is ok to shoot there, so I'll be headed up this afternoon before the 'city league' games start.

    Then I found the weight room with treadmill... ahhh... no sedentary 10 days for me.

    Our appointment with Chuck was at 11:15, so we made our way up to his office & waited for the previous appointments to leave. When our time came, we ended up just sitting down for 30 seconds or so, before Chuck decided he was hungry & then, so were we. We decided to hit Ruby Tuesday's for lunch - & found that it sure has changed since we last went there. But I digress.

    Most of the meal & for about an hour after we were done, we talked about what we hope to accomplish while we're here in Christiansburg, the reason that we made the trek across the country. We want to see a new way of relating to each other emerge, take shape. In the areas of being husband/wife, friends, partners in ministry, & in leading Hillside. And, we talked quite a bit about how we believe the last year to 18 months has gone... leading up to & since the Sabbath break. A good time was had by all. :)

    Tomorrow at 9 a.m., I'm going in solo; & I'm greatly looking forward to it.

    We're hoping to head into Blacksburg to go to the Hokie Spoke a student store for VTU, where one can pick up all kinds of football & other paraphenalia... legal paraphenalia that is. Then later, we're off to see either the Salem Avalanche or the Pulaski Mariners - as I found out that there is YET ANOTHER place to catch Minor League Baseball within about 20 minutes. Joy! We're going to talk about it a bit, then head out for the afternoon.

    Arrivaderci!

    Day 1 in Christiansburg...

    We're here, in Christiansburg. I'd get into the gory details of our travels, but hey, we made it, none the worse for wear, & without too much confusion, though I-77N & I-77S look really, really similar, especially when its dark...)

    After sleeping in (woke up about 11 local time,) I just spent a few minutes doing some virtual searches on the net for important stuff, like Starbucks & local coffee houses. We'll be going to the store for some staples, & probably trying to find a place to eat before too long as well.

    The place we're staying is nice - Bean is taking pictures, but it really is great - much better than our 1st apartment; decorated very nicely (or so I've been told,) & with comfy couches, a TV (w/DVD player) full kitchen, dining room, & my own closet to put my stuff in. (This is important.) Also, figured out the wireless internet connection for the building we're in. Also important.

    We'll be taking a tour of the grounds at some point today with the Coleman's (who oversee & care for the campus) & then the rest of the day should be up to us - exploring the town maybe. Or sitting in the inside of buildings with A/C.

    Ciao!

    Almonds, hair dryers, & other important stuff...


    I'm off today - which means doin' laundry; dishes; vacuuming; book-selection; travel bag cleanup; & then time to pack. One of my chores in preparation for "the Trip" was finding out what sort of amenities would be in the mini-apartment where we're staying.

    Coffee pot? Check.
    Ironing board & iron? Check.
    Hair dryer? Check.
    NAX? Check. And they are actually personalized according to what both the Bean & I like. Almonds, jerky o'beef, peanut brittle, & wasser mit koehlensaurer (bubble water.)

    Wow. Sweet.

    Next: directions to all the places we're headed.

    To & from the airport? (Charlotte, NC is approx. 2:40 from Christiansburg, VA) - Check.
    To & from Salem, VA, home of the Salem Avalanche, Single A affiliate of the Astros? Check.
    To Monticello, home (or should I say "Plantation") of vastly overrated founding father, Thomas Jefferson? Check.
    To the Cracker Barrell, probably the sweetest restaurant in all of the Southern US? Check.
    To Blacksburg, home of Virginia Tech & discount Michael Vick jerseys? Check.
    To the nearest wifi connection so I can Skype my kids, blog, & change my Fantasy Baseball lineups? Pending... Hmmm.


    Found out yesterday that a good friend & his family are relocating because of a job offer. Bittersweet. It's sweet, as we've been praying for a job for him... And yet bitter is because when one lives 90 minutes away, even in Nevada, life circles don't seem to connect much. Sigh.

    One of the things I reminded myself is that in times like that, it is ok to grieve - maybe even necessary. And if grieving doesn't happen, the emotions, feelings, pain, angst, etc. will end up coming out in other, less constructive ways. So I cried yesterday & didn't try to stop it. And again last night. Hmmm. Probably got a couple more of those in me. & that's ok.

    Not gonna drink the Sweet Tea. You could make Rock Candy from that stuff.

    Had a great coffee talk yesterday with Earl & Brother. Spent a big chunk of time talking through the burgeoning industry that has evolved around Church. And how this 'business of Church" leads to Christian people coming up with all kinds of funkiness about what makes Church good. And how a 'good Church' or even better, a 'cool Church' has stuff like a 'smokin' hot band' & 'cutting edge speeches' that make non-Christians want to alter their Sunday a.m. routine so that can come & feel the coolness.

    And somehow we think its really about Jesus & not about us... Hmmm.

    WIthout interconnected, authentic friendships & relationships, is it still Church? I wonder.


    I hope to blog our experience, but I am going to be at the foot of the Appalachians :)

    Ciao!

    Getting ready for a trip...

    This coming Saturday, the Bean & I are off to Virginia - actually a little town called "Christiansburg." Holy, huh? I've been doing some research for any down time that we might have - so that I can offer the Bean a PLETH-ora of options if & when she wants to get out & explore America's version of Bavaria...

    One place I know we're going is the Floyd, VA Country Store - for the Friday night clogging & bluegrass... I know we're going, because my friend Chuck, (the guy who oversees the Pastoral Care for Foursquare) has recommended it, will be going, & has said that he loves it because it is a great picture of what church could & should be like. I've never clogged, but I am familiar with a rocking chair & Southern food. Hmmm.

    I found that only 25 miles away is a genuine, Class A Minor League team, the Salem Avalanche. They Avs happen to be in town for 6 of the 10 days we're there, & the Bean has already given approval to a road trip or 3 for the night games. $7 General Admission to get in. And Koby Clemens catches for them.

    Our days will involve the two of us meeting with Chuck for counsel, then maybe 1 or the other having some solo time; in preparation for this, we've both been doing our 'homework' which means reading & listening to a lot of background material that Chuck will be bringing up with us in our talks - a lot of great, great stuff from the store at Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, with resources from Peter Scazzero et al. Stuff like: "The Courage to Pursue Emotional Health;" "Accepting the Gift of Your Emotions;" "Living Faithful to Oneself;" "Going Back In Order to Go Forward;" & "Enlarging Your Soul Through Grief..." to name a few.

    We talked about it a bit yesterday in the tag-team speech; but we're both approaching this time as a gift. We're not going to Virginia because everything is coming apart at the seams, or because our relationship is on the rocks. We're going because we're fortunate enough to have a leadership team at Hillside & also in our District that believes in us, & in giving us opportunity to grow, change, & work on our relationship proactively, before we'd get to the danger zone.

    Maybe its because 'counseling' had been so stigmatized... spoken of in hushed tones about people who had come to the end of their rope, & as a last ditch effort, were going to counseling... That may be true for how others look at it, but for me & the Bean, its for the hope of growth & new life.


    I'm hungry - so I'm going scavenging. Until later... Ciao!

    Boundaries in Marriage, #4

    The previous 3 posts in this series can be found here: #1 and #2 and #3.

    As I read through Boundaries, something clicked; something that had been circling the gray-matter for a long period of time, but that had been undefined & way too nebulous to be coherent & understandable…

    Of course it made sense: Boundaries are established in me, by me, for me, that I would live according to & congruent with my values. That I would be able to say “Yes” & “No” according to what I really believe, think, & feel, without attempting (needing?) to attempt the futility of making others happy with my decisions. To no longer try to avoid real/perceived conflict by making decisions/living life in such a way as that these ‘significant’ people in my life would approve. Just to be.

    Real boundaries deal with self-control – in that they deal with ME. Boundaries are definitely not lines drawn in the sand in thinly veiled attempts to control others by putting restrictions on them, using guilt, threats, &/or the withholding of approval or affection. Not calling something ‘boundaries’ that is really just an attempt to punish others into changing. Or to manipulate their decision making using the ‘silent’, (or is it pouty?) treatment. Or to withdraw from relationship & call it a boundary. That sort of behavior would only be exchanging one form of relational unhealth for another. (NOTE: Boundaries can only be worked out & on in the context of relationship. To cut someone out of your life isn’t a boundary. It’s retreat. It’s based in fear. It’s immature.)

    Self-control sounded good, as did personal responsibility. Then I started realizing & thinking through the consequences & potential loneliness in making such decisions. Claiming & owning responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, emotions, & actions, while no longer using the familiar scapegoat of blaming others for my circumstances. Even my wife. I wanted something different for me, & for my marriage, & so did the Bean.

    Taking personal responsibility was like unwinding a string from a sweater that just keeps unraveling. In my marriage, I’d seen myself, for better or for worse, as a victim of circumstance; a victim of the decisions & choices of another; & I often felt sorry for myself because of those choices, & how they “kept me” from making decisions that were in line with how I really thought & wanted to live. It was no longer ok to live in the status quo, silently (usually) bemoaning the state of our relationship, without delving into real depths of transparency & communication. Displaying little of the unconditional respect, love, honor, & trust that we’d both promised to extend to each other “as long as we both shall live.”

    I discovered the pseudo-safety in being the ‘good guy’ (self-proclaimed) because of my spouse’s relational choices. It was a place I loathed, but one where I stayed because of fear. No more.

    Instead of complaining & being miserable about my wife’s choices, & blaming her for what amounted to my own inaction, I resolved to make my own decisions. Not to bail on my wife or the relationship – but to choose & live differently. To be my own person, & more importantly, to let my wife be HER own person too. To no longer feel or live like I needed to ‘compensate’ for what I saw or interpreted as her weaknesses, or to attempt to cover over her decisions that had bad consequences (for me.) Call it enabling, call it codependent, call it being afraid of being alone, or being responsible for me. Whatever. No more.

    At the root of what had to be overcome was fear – in particular a paralyzing fear that I tried to ignore & avoid, to no effect. In a nutshell:
    I feared that if I made the decisions & choices that were consistent with the boundaries I set with myself, if I lived in this manner, I would be rejected, abandoned, & no longer loved by my wife.


    There was nothing in our past or present that would support that conclusion, but it was real to me. And I wrestled. It seemed wrong. But I knew it wasn’t.

    In the middle of the decisions to change how I lived, to set & live by boundaries, I had to be ok with whatever ‘consequences’ came as a result of the choices I made. And to let the Bean make whatever decision she would make. And love & accept her unconditionally, no matter what. And to know that she’d committed the same to me. Now we just had to live it.

    Boundaries In Marriage, #3

    Boundaries are misunderstood - as though they are some sort of special 'fix-all' that are applied to 'other people' to magically change another person's behaviors or to modify their actions.

    That's not setting boundaries - that's try to control others... Boundaries are set on ourselves. Boundaries are about self-control. Learning to self-regulate, & take responsibility for me, my own wants, desires, choices, & actions.

    Boundaries are about truth - me being truthful with myself, & with others with the choices I make; what I will do & won't do. It might be easier to blame others for our internal dissatisfaction, &/or the situation that we've found ourselves in, as connected to them, but in reality, our life situation is largely (not totally - as I'm wanting to avoid blanket statements :) due to what we've allowed/tolerated/gone along with because of our people pleasing issues. Or our desire to avoid conflict.

    Creating & applying boundaries is taking responsibility for myself in the context of relationship with others. It's making consistent choices to affect personal change so as not to continually place myself in a hurtful, damaging, controlling situation.

    Boundaries are not withdrawal from relationship either:
    Boundaries are only built & established in the context of relationship. To run from a relationship as the 1st step of boundaries is not to have boundaries at all. It is a defense against developing boundaries with another person. The only place boundaries are real is in relationship with another person.




    So, every relationship is affected by the boundaries I set, because the boundaries I set have to do with me. And that's a great place to start affecting change...
    To be continued...

    Boundaries In Marriage, #2

    A few things happened in a pretty short period of time that exposed & uncovered thoughts, beliefs, & mindsets – maybe that I’d not articulated before – or ever owned up to.

    What came up were thoughts about what it means to be ‘nice’ – be a ‘good Christian’ – to ‘respect & honor’ others…

    The lie that was exposed (ala theophostic before I knew what theophostic was)

    to say “no” to someone, even if I really wanted to, is un-Christian


    Think about that.

    It will pop up with total strangers, door-to-door religion salesmen, close friends, extended & nuclear family… & it centers on living for the approval of others (&/or for the absence of real/perceived conflict) while violating (sinning against) myself.

    Functioning with few/no boundaries is like having no fence in the yard around my property. And then having friends, neighbors, strangers, consistently utilize our area, our yard, our driveway to park their cars, clutter, garbage, dog poop in my space… And to say anything about it, to say, this isn’t ok, is to be thought of, in reality or in our own minds as being “not nice.” Selfish. Un-Christian.

    SIDE NOTE: This can end up sounding a lot like a series of “Sabbath” posts. That’s ok - as drawing a line (boundary), saying Yes & No congruently with our heart, embracing limits – is a bit of what goes into the Sabbath, & what I know in retrospect that God used these experiences to kick start the response in me to the leading of the Holy Spirit - & His reminders about entering His Rest.

    A part of boundaries is knowing me – really knowing who I am; my identity, personality, strengths & weaknesses; what I want – my hopes, dreams, & desires - & what I don’t – meaninglessness, loneliness, lack of fulfillment… It’s knowing & choosing to live for God’s purpose in & for my life. Boundaries reminded me that I’m accountable for how I ‘steward’ – utilize - the time I’m given; this means living with purpose & determination, even in seemingly small things.

    I can’t do everything - I can’t please everyone – I can understand that I have limits. And embrace them – not as a character flaw but as a part of being human.

    Because if I don’t live this way, someone else will come up with a purpose or plan for me – maybe not intentionally destructive – something that uses me for their purpose or plan. If/when this is happening enough, the resulting chaos, self-loathing, relational conflicts, & discouragement are deadly to self & to close relationships.

    So, the question: How can I have, nurture, maintain my relationship with my wife & close friends if I'm consistently not honoring myself or those relationships because I either won't establish any clear boundaries, or won't 'enforce them?' Is my marriage worth prioritizing as the primary relationship on the planet? For me, yes. And, it takes two to tango...:)

    More to come…

    Boundaries In Marriage, #1

    A few years ago, (ok, now that I think about it, its more than a few. About...7? 8?) I came across a book that eventually ended up transforming my life & my marriage - it was Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend (which sounds like a great name for a '60s folk group. But I digress...) Its one of the reasons that me & the Bean are probably going to lead a small group this Fall 2008 semester called "Boundaries In Marriage." (I ripped off the title from another book. But that's for later.)

    The high point for me was that it articulated very clearly & concisely something key for enjoying life in its fullness: we need to be able to say "Yes" & "No" - in a way that our outward declarations jive with our inner values, thoughts, feelings, emotions, & to me the most important - our relationships with the people closest to us. That a lot of us struggle with 'people pleasing' & end up functioning in an incongruent way - we are saying Yes to stuff we really want to say No to. And vice-versa. Because we want the approval of the one we're speaking to. Or something like that. We're afraid of being rejected. Minimized. Thought to be inferior in some way. Mocked. Derided. You get the idea.

    I'm going to blog about this in the context of marriage, but please don't check out on me if you're single - the concept applies across the board for close friendships/relationships. One of the biggest issues that this exposed was the very common choice in marriage relationships for one person in the relationship to choose to say "yes" to a person not in the immediate relationship to avoid conflict (or any of the above negatives,) knowing full well that it means that the person they're married to will have to bear the brunt of their decision. In effect, they will 'choose' to fight it out with their spouse etc. rather that with the person of lesser status (meaning that the spouse takes #1 spot in life. Or should.) They 'prefer' the person that is not the spouse over the spouse. Which stinketh, because the whole 'leave & cleave' part of the marriage vows have to do with the 'preference' of spouse relationship over all others - not rejecting other relationships, but recognizing that if we're marrying, this relationship takes preeminence over the rest.

    Hope you're still with me - I'd never heard of Boundaries before, but I understood the concept - believing that we all need/have a set of life-guiding values that help us know what to say "Yes" & "No" to. And why. Maybe not everyone has these. The values help us to not be tossed to & fro by someone else's 'vision' for our life - no matter how influential or significant the role they play (or want to play) in our life. Or have played in the past. Seems it usually pops up with extended family (parents, siblings, & others of that ilk) & close friends, but it sometimes happens elsewhere...

    This isn't a unique issue that only a few 'weak' people struggle with; from my experience in pre/post marriage counseling, the area of 'preference of spouse' & knowing, establishing, & maintaining healthy boundaries is a major, major issue for a lot of couples. And if it isn't for one spouse, it often is for the other. Which means its a problem for both. (Kind of along the lines of "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Or something like that.)



    Why did it change my life/marriage? I'll get there. It's dinner time - & I'll pick up my ramblings when I get a chance. Ciao!

    stubbornness as a character trait (or flaw)...

    Thursday, the Bean went in to the friendly neighborhood Cingular/ATT store in order to get an issue with Pasty's phone taken care of... at least that's the main reason. She happened to come out with a brand spanking new celly from Palm. Since we're on the same plan, I was surprised to hear that she had been able to upgrade her now old phone already, as its usually at least 24 months between 'free' upgrades. (Don't get me started.) BTW: it's a Palm Centro that has just joined the family.

    Seems that the local neighborhood ATT guy helped her get around the little "24 month til you can upgrade for free" by using one of the other lines on the account that WAS NEWLY ELIGIBLE for the upgrade to get her a new phone for just $***, (after the 356 month rebate, of course.) Guess who's newly eligible line was appropriated? If you guess anyone other than me, you'd be wrong.

    So what's the rub? It's not like I was looking to get a new phone - though I was enjoying my status of being "out of contract." I have found ATT to be very willing to negotiate group rate & feature prices, as well as offering free stuff, good phone upgrades etc in order to "woo" you into signing over your life for Yet Another 24 month period of time.

    The catch in this process came when i was on my way home to the little woman, & thought I'd bless her with a warning call - one of those, "Hi Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes..." calls. My line went directly to ATT Customer Service where I was told that in order to use my phone, & as a part of the upgrade that I had just received, I would need to agree to surrender my long-awaited "out of service" status to be once again, enslaved by the corporate giant that is ATT. And, until I did, my phone privileges were suspended.

    I arrived home to find only Cubby (the nickname I've given to the 13 year old after a recent bout of In-School Discipline for something that Wasn't His Fault.) I used Cubby's phone to call ATT & talk to a live person. 2 different people took 30 minutes to describe the WHY behind my line suspension. Why MY line suspension? Because "i" had recently upgraded my phone. I tried to explain that no, I hadn't upgraded my phone, but someone in their retail store had pulled a switcheroo. As you can probably imagine, they don't care.

    So now - I have a cell phone that is suspended until I agree to the 24 month contract extension. And, to me, it makes perfect sense that I will not agree to that contract extension. On principle.

    If you've tried to reach me by cell, it's not that I am "not taking calls" as the nice lady with the psycho-recording voice stated - its that unbeknownst to me, my right to freedom from a celly contract was violated in the name of getting the Bean an upgraded phone. And my line is suspended until I do agree. Which might be a while...

    is it a social disorder? or am I just anti-social?

    Tonight is the Big Dinner - its a low-key event at our church building where people get together to eat dinner. Not a pot-luck - it's BYOF - everyone brings their own food - what they'd be eating for dinner. We're sitting "hof-brau" style at long tables, & just interacting with our family & with the others that are around us. My wife has been excited about this for, oh, a jillion years. The opportunity to eat, drink, & be merry with friends is exactly the sort of thing that floats her proverbial boat.

    But me, well, that's a different story. The idea of sitting down & eating together scares me. Why? you might ask... I'm not quite sure.

    I'm not much for crowds - standing in line - getting stuck anywhere; I've been known to get a bit claustrophobic. I like to sit at the end of the table, because then I have at least one right/90degree angle in front of me. Somehow, that is comforting. I was trying to explain what my emotions & thoughts are on this topic to the Bean, theMoses, & Brother. I really like the idea of the Big Dinner & eating my own food. Of seeing friends. Making new ones... but the practical working out of it makes me feel a bit reclusive.

    However, in spite of the fear, I will be there. At the Big Dinner. Hopefully sitting on an end.

    date night...

    Friday night is date night... not because Friday is a regular date night, but because the 8-11 of February is Hillside's Winter Camp at Zephyr Point, Tahoe. And, for the 1st time ever, all 3 of our spawn will be at camp. We will not be at camp, but will most likely be enjoying some Firecracker Wings from Pinocchio's, a bottle of red, & hanging out with friends who are in the same situation we are.

    I'm not just reveling in the good fortune of the promise of a fun evening, but am also thankful that my kids can spend the weekend at camp - & for theMoses, No..el, & the people who've planned & are carrying out the camp... & help my progeny get to know God in the context of friends...

    Ringing it in...

    What does that mean? To "Ring in" the New Year? Does one need a bell to "Ring it in?" Hmm.

    Reminds me of a time, two or ten that I spent "praying in" the New Year - the splanation being that it was a great way to start the year off. Perhaps, but it always felt contrived & forced to make the prayer happen, esp. if/when it required getting others to shut up from their deep 'meaning of life' conversations that they were having, & making them stop their games, loud happy interactions in order to join the somber prayer group (usually a circle) that would take turns trying to out "our Father," each other. I tried so hard to make God happy... & to do what I thought a good Christian should do...

    Looking back, I have regrets - I know that everyone does, but mine usually center on:
  • -things I've done that kept me at a distance from really knowing God, & from being myself
  • -things I've done, regardless of how well meaning I was, that ended up putting blockades between people being able to see Jesus as He is, replacing Him instead with religious verbiage, activities, & the like... I work hard & try intentionally not to do that...
  • -my relationship with my family - esp. my brother Moe - my talking too much, listening too little, & trying to make life & relationships fit into nice boxes. That one keeps me awake at night.
  • -pain caused to the Bean because of my desire (need? control issues?) to work my way into peace...

    I pray for the redemption of relationship with Moe - & that those that I violated, tripped up, put an obstacle course in front of would find their way through all the junk to the Real Thing that is the Word.
  • peas in a pod



    I joke about my inability to dress myself. However, its not a joke - at some point after I married the Bean, I was brought to the realization that though I am fully capable of picking out & putting on clothes, I don't seem to be able to do it in a manner that matches. Or coordinates. Or "goes." All three which are things that I never really had given any thought to. Pre-Bean, I just put o a pair of jeans & a t-shirt. Or a pair of shorts. And a t-shirt. Or polo (not Ralph Lauren Polo, but a collared, not-too-fancy, but still with a collar & couple o' buttons polo.) And then I went. Wherever I was going.

    Post-Bean, I have found myself asking her, "Does this match? Coordinate? Go?" Or, "Does this blue striped shirt go with these olive green shorts?" To me, it looks like an outfit. Something that makes scoeyd look as good as a scoeyd can look. Yet, the Bean just raises an eyebrow & searches for a positive way to say, "No. You look like a sofa that a baby-barfed on right after eating plums, green beans, beets, & carrots out of their wee baby food jars..." At this point, 18 years into the marriage (1 July is the actual day. Another time I'll tell you how "we" picked this date,) all it takes is the raised eyebrow, & I'm off to strive for something that I've worn before that passed muster. Some men might feel indignant at this sort of interaction, & insist on picking their own clothes out. Me? Not so much. I just want her to think I'm Hot, so if it takes getting her sophisticated color palette into the mix, so be it.

    Today, I decided to freelance - I found & put on a brown shirt. (Like the one above.) And a pair of shorts (also pictured above. Wonder why its called a pair of shorts when its only 1 item of clo- btw: clo is the singular of the word clothes. It's true.) I took my customary jaunt to the presence of the Bean for a once-over. Lo & behold. We are wearing identical outfits. Exactly. Except I don't have a white flowery belt to go with my shirt/shorts combo. But I'm looking for one.