Showing posts with label Commentary on Human Condition. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Commentary on Human Condition. Show all posts

40 going on 21, part 1

I've been ruminating on a series of conversations that I had with my buddy, Chuck, while I was at CSR this last August.

The conversations were brought on by the fact that my 40th birthday was coming soon - & how much I was looking forward to that event & the stage of life that would come with it. (And, by the way, I'm 40 days into my 40th year, & so far, I'm loving the fact that I'm a man! I'm 40!)

A lot of our talks centered on the infatuation our society seems to have with YOUTH & being YOUNG... & the seeming inability to accept the fact that people age... & aging is seen as a bad thing, something to be ashamed of, avoided, &/or denied.

Bummer.




Part of what really drove it home for me was that a lot of my 'thinking time' happened on & near the Virginia Tech University campus - there were literally thousands of 18-25 year olds all over the place just arriving in Blacksburg for the start of the fall semester... In Walmart. Starbucks. Borders. The campus bookstore. Swarms of people. Checking each other out, visually measuring self against others, masking anxiety with volume... The pretty young things got the most attention & savored it.

In the midst of it, I felt strangely secure. Comfortable in my own skin. I pondered Chuck's words, & thought about what he'd said about the privileges & things gained as one ages...

...experience & wisdom to be shared. Perspective at having seen seasons of life, fad, & fashion come & go & come back again. The weight the words carry of one who has not only lived, but has lived well, without striving, through the tides, peaks, & valleys that life brings. The joy of watching one's children grow. Peace at being able to simply enjoy the moment.

The glory of the young is their strength; the gray hair of experience is the splendor of the old. Proverbs 20:29 New Living Translation






Being 40 is great. I'm lovin' it.



Things I'm thinking about:

  • Associating 'young' & 'youth' with childish, irresponsible, immoral behavior

  • Peter Pan syndrome...

  • valuing people by their outward appearance...

  • living selfishly, without regard for others

  • attempting to avoid the responsibility that comes with the making of choices - & the consequences (outcomes?) of those choices

  • the inevitability of aging... something that no amount of cosmetic surgery, hair dye, or botox can avoid.

  • my dream...

    Hmmm.
  • Wednesday was a funny day...

    I found a new gym. Or should I say, it found me. Its only .9 miles from my home, & my whole family can gymnasium (I totally verbed a noun) for less than $30/month. Haven't left my old gym officially, but I'm not going anymore, because my new gym has NEW equipment. Functional treadmills. Nice barbells. And kettlebells. They had me at kettlebells.




    Worked out today. Happened to put my car/house/every-important-thing-that-requires-a-key-in-life-key chain in a locker. Forgot my own lock, but that's ok, right? Came back to pick up my keys to find... someone had put a lock on the locker. Sigh.

    I went around to every male in the gym (thank you Jesus that there is a Men's locker room, because it totally limited my search) asking, "So, did you happen to put a lock on locker #37? Cause my keys are in there, man." Everyone said, "No." It was awkward, especially with the BIG men, the guys that have a Routine, guys listening to their iPods, guys like Sal who seem like they'd rather break me into several pieces as soon as look at me...

    So I called mytheBean. She brought me keys to my car so I could take care of some of the errands I needed to run. I rationalized, "I will come back in 2 hours & the lock will be off #37 & my silliness at not putting my own lock on will be but a distant memory..."




    I had planned on driving the Ex down to the gym to pick up my keys. Turns out, everyone left me at home WITHOUT keys to the Ex. So...

    TheWeez & I walked the .9 miles down to the gym & I expected that my keys would be at the front desk by this time. Not so. The lock was still on #37. I was able to convince the manager that the best course of action was to CUT the lock on #37, & let me get my keys. Then, I would buy a new lock at the Home Depot & bring it back. A small price to pay for my... forgetfulness.

    Got my keys. Ran the .9 miles uphill home, while theWeez waited at theBean's work. Got the Ex. Drove to pick up theWeez. Went to the Home Depot. Tried to find a lock that resembled the 1 that was cut for me. No dice. Looked for 1 that I would want, & found 1 for only $6.34 (tax included.)




    Went back to the gym to drop off the lock. Girl at the front desk was amazed at the quality of the lock I chose. Go figure.

    Turns out the guy that had put the lock on #37 had been in the gym the whole time, (4 hours bro?) & had said, "NO!" when asked if he had put a lock on #37, but had obviously been simply trying to avoid the responsibility of locking a space that had held my keys... go figure.

    Drove home with theWeez. Weary. 3 hours & counting of my life, poured out in the pursuit of right. Gonna watch a moving picture with my girl - Shanghai Noon? That'll work...

    coffee in the afternoon, & other musings...

    Maybe its a coping mechanism, but when I am noticed that certain days I crave coffee in the late afternoon. Its not the need for caffeine, because the decaf will do... its the smell of the brewing process, the taste of the 1st sip, the reassuring heat emanating from the ceramic cup. Sigh.




    Took a spill last night in our softball teams' victory... lunging for a ball hit just beyond my reach, I landed on my left shoulder. Thought it came out of the socket... had brother PULL on the wrist to see if there was any give... nope. Just a jammed shoulder. Its ache-ey today. I will have to apply the Bio-Freeze.




    I was taken off guard today by Baby Zoe. She was sitting in her little bouncy chair, as she usually is, but this time she had her eyes open. And she was looking at me. And when she noticed I was looking at me, she smiled & yelled for me, "Tay-tay, I want you to pick me up & play with me." (That last part about the yelling I'm PRETTY sure happened. Though no one else seems to have heard her do it... I did.)




    The more time that passes, the more I am convinced that 3 of the really great Sci-Fi shows of all time were:
  • Stargate SG-1
  • Farscape
  • Star Trek: TNG


  • Others, like BSG, Star Trek, & even the other Star Trek off-shoots are good. Still, I can put in a DVD of one of my personal big 3 & watch it over & over.

    That might say more about me & my longing for the old than it does about the new stuff. But I could be wrong.




    Off to soccer with theWeez. Lucky us. We have a 6:15 p.m. game tonight instead of the 7:45 game that ends at 9:15. Sweet.

    I saw love...

    I saw love...

    Last week, I decided to be proactive & deal with my soon-to-expire drivers license. Brother told me what Tom had told him – waiting in line FOR-ever at the Galletti NV-DMV is over-rated… so he told me about the NV-DMV Commercial license renewal place thingy on E. Greg. Evidently, the word on the street is that the Commercial Drivers License place also does REGULAR license renewals for Rubes like me. Even better, Brother had spent a total of 15 minutes in the place & finished all the business one could ever want to finish. Ahhh. Sounds like my kind of place.




    Found it. And let’s just say it was a leettlle bit busier that when Tom & Brother had been there. Waiting room had 10 people in it, (which I know is still less than Galletti on an average day,) so I went to the cool, “Take A Number” station, pulled Lucky 403, & found a seat. And waited.




    I hadn’t brought any of my normal time passers with me (books, chocolate, portable coffee, or wasser mit kohlensäure) so I went into introspection mode, which unfortunately lasted only about 37 seconds. Done with that, so I decided to look around the room & ‘observe’ the other individuals that were sharing the space that I had mistakenly assumed would be empty.




    A couple in the waiting area caught my eye – it was the worried look on her face, & the hushed but strong tones they were speaking in. If I had to guess how old they were, I’d have said 50, but it was hard to tell, because it appeared that they had both lived ‘hard’ lives… you know what I mean… the years had etched themselves into their countenance, leaving visible marks from grief, disappointment, & hardship. Other signs – clothes: a worn & grubby sundress… workman’s shirt, jeans, & boots that had seen much better days… the tell-tale yellowish residue on skin & hair from smoking too many packs of cigarettes for too long, resulting in the visible affects that your mom warned you would happen if you smoked all your life. The woman looked a bit like I remember my Grandma Ramona looking…

    I watched from the corner of my eye as their communication became more animated – it became apparent that the woman was scared… she had to take a vision test for her license renewal, & it was obvious she didn’t think she’d pass it. The anxiousness & worry became more pronounced as she got closer to her turn at the vision-apparatus. The man touched her arm gently & made “Shushing” noises… not the “be quiet” ones, but the kind you make to comfort a crying baby.

    Her body stiffened when her number was called; she sat in the chair in front of the machine, & he sat next to her, his hand on her back. She took the test & passed. She was relieved. Now to get the picture for the new license.

    They walked together to the area where the new pictures would be taken – she was self-conscious – I saw her look disapprovingly at herself, her clothes, & run her fingers through her hair – the signs of sadness, not wanting to get her picture taken.

    The man pulled something out of the back pocket of his work pants. It was a hair brush – making the same, reassuring “Shushing” noises, he turned her towards him & began to gently, carefully, brush her long hair. After a couple of minutes of this, he put the brush away & with great care arranged her hair behind her ears, pulled back a bit from her face. And as she was called to the picture taking station, he put one hand on her chin, gazed into her eyes, & quietly said, “You are so pretty.”

    The eyes that had been downcast, preoccupied, & self-conscious glimmered & sparkled with the confidence that comes from being loved by someone, that comes by choosing to believe that what you’ve just heard is the God’s honest truth. She sat & smiled for her picture, then arose, took the man’s hand, & they walked out together.

    I saw love... & it touched me...

    the demise of #5...

    This is a note about the demise of #5, the treadmill pictured at left that is having issues with her speed system. I took this picture in the hopes that she'll rebound soon. This is the story of how I came to love #5.




    I've never been much of a "runner" - meaning that working out for me has always meant weights, some cardio (jump-rope, ellipticals, etc.) & whatever sport I happened to be playing at that time. There have been a couple of exceptions - when I was going into 7th grade, i reaaaaallly wanted to drop weight so that I could play in a lower football division (back in the days of Pop Warner weight class based leagues,) so I ate lots of salad & ran around the block several times a day. It worked. I also picked up the habit of eating my salads without any dressing on them; further, I had a hard time with the whole "eating lettuce with a fork," so I would just pick it up & eat it. Still do.

    I also like to run to clear my head - so when things would get noisy in there, I'd go for a run through the streets around my house - often at night. At some point, I found that I really liked the solitude of running, the night air, & being able to wear one of those cool Neon Yellow Vests so that I wouldn't be invisible to vehicles... still, running was really only done sporadically.




    Then something changed - a few years ago, a group of friends started training for a marathon - using the Galloway method, I found that I could run a lot longer & farther than I'd ever been able to before. I was able to go 10K no problem... only to find that my surgically repaired right knee (& the 2 pins in it) didn't like the distance running... & would let me know about it. Being heavier than I wanted to be also put stress on my hips, knees, & ankles, from the pounding on the streets & sidewalks.

    I didn't end up running the marathon (made it to a 1/2 marathon,) but I kept running - & as long as I kept my distance at about 3-5 miles a couple of times a week, my body seemed to recover well.




    I lost some weight (about 3.5 stones) & got used to running the streets about 5 times a week... this last March, the combination of running & playing softball 2x/week left me feeling it in my hips, knees, & ankles again. I missed running & didn't want to stop, so I started running on the treadmill at my gym... & after the learning curve (the process of learning to walk then run on the treadmill without holding onto the rails,) I came across #5. I'd tried several other treadmills & they all had issues - they were poorly placed in respect to the TV that was tuned to ESPN (see photo at right) - others wre always dirty, or made too much noise for my tastes; a couple would wildly fluctuate their speed & buck like a bronco (I was only thrown twice...)

    #5 didn't have any of those issues - just kept on going, doing her thing. Always clean, always under the TV tuned to ESPN, never bucking. Soft cushion met every step, allowing me to run as often as I wanted. Not outside, but in the cool of the gym, running in place, thinking on everything & nothing. It became a date - if I went to the gym to run, it was always on #5...

    And then there was Wednesday - I was at the end of a 5K. Literally as I took the last couple of strides before my cool down, #5 abruptly seized up & ground to a stop. There was a subtle humming noise... a message appeared: "CHECK SPEED SYSTEM." I tried to do a reset. No response. NO! #5, come back.




    I reported the message to The Powers That Be in hopes that #5 will be up & running again soon. And until then, I'm giving #8 & #15 a try.

    Sigh.

    blasting through memories about fasting...

    Oprah fasted... not for Jesus but for weight control..

    I used to think that fasting was an activity that was intended to gets God's attention. A way to shout with ones actions: "Hey! Look at me! I'm not eating, & its for you!" I may have even believed that it was transactional... not that I'd have ever spoken the words out loud, but there was a thought, however small, that would say, "Ok God. Since I am fasting, You HAVE to do what I am praying for. Have to. I am doing my part. Now its Your turn."

    Something about the 'spiritual-ness' of fasting used to make me want to make sure that I slipped it into conversation, something that would kind of get mentioned in passing... its not that I was going all "woe is me hypocrite" on anyone... its just that I found ways & means to happen to be places where my lack of eating would be observed.

    I tried to fast once a week, Tuesdays. Which meant Monday nights at 11:50 p.m., I was loading up a plate or 3, just to make sure that I wouldn't be passing out from hunger on my 'fast day.' During what would normally have been meal-times on 'fast-days,' I tried to pray - which often meant I tried not to think about eating. Kept having to corral my runaway mind, & to try not to pay attention to my stomach which seemed to be flipping over in a complaint at not having been paid attention to.

    A guy that I knew got really into fasting... at meal time he'd just read his Bible & pray... he got a bit carried away with it, so much so that over a period of 3 months, he dropped about 50 pounds... pounds that he couldn't afford to give up. In talking with him later, he told me that somehow he had reasoned to himself that if God likes it when we fast, then he was going to make God really happy with him.




    That put me over the edge. Got tired of acting like I understood this - so I tried to study up on it; read through every passage that mentions fasting in the Bible. Talked to people, asking questions. Read books.

    What I found out is that people are all over the map in their understanding about fasting... that a lot of people see it the way I used to...its a way to twist God's arm, to play the trump card that He can't ignore.

    And what I think I came to understand about fasting is that its not that at all - instead, as a 'personal practice,' its about humility - humbling myself - a reminder that my stomach is not the boss of me. That I don't live by bread alone. And that the reality of the situation was, i was keeping God at arms length & trying to impress Him (& others) with superficial 'stuff' - behaviors & conversations that never went beyond the surface, focusing mostly on my own needs & my own will.

    I wanted it to be different.

    Isaiah 58 was insightful. And helpful. So was Daniel..

    silly vandals...

    Last night, Pasty & I-Doey made their way to Coconut Bowl for some bowl-age...

    They came out 2 1/2 short hours later to find that some miscreant had taken the liberty of bashing the back window of the Infamous Ex...

    Post-church, I contacted the Coconut Bowl & reported the destruction (as the PastyOne had been too incensed to do it.) Then, I filed a PO-leece report with Sparks' finest...

    Called & left a message with my car insurance dealer (no, I don't have Geico. Or Progressive. My insurance agent takes the weekends...)

    Now, all we have to do is... wait.




    It's interesting - the emotions that have been stirred up in my kids. Anger --> Rage. Disbelief. Disappointment. Disgust. Frustration. Sadness. And back again.

    They want A Plan of Action. A Way for us to Stick It to the person (persons? perps?) that Perpetrated the vandalismo. Like somehow, Dad will know what to do, & how to locate the Violator(s). More interesting to me is the boiling over desire for Revenge. And you thought the Empire Struck Back! Just wait til lil Pasty gets going.

    Talked about letting God be our defender & avenger. Not giving away peace. Being thankful it was Just a Window. Believing it.

    Hmm...

    pride

    This is a continuation of some thoughts I started processing through HERE.

    Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires (cravings, lusts, & longings) of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever. 1John 2:15-17 ESV


    Pride. What I have. What I accomplish. Who I am, (or present myself to be?) based upon my job, title, education, place I work... Specifically measured against what Others have. Who they are. What they have done. Are doing.

    Pride is insidious. It worms its way into the most unfortunate places. Disguises itself with the best of disguises. Undermines the most unsuspecting of persons.

    And is common to all humanity. To me.




    I read in Numbers 12...now Moses was more humble than any other person on earth... I remember that he was the adopted son of the Pharaoh's daughter, meaning he most likely grew up with privilege. Education. Wealth. Position. And he left it to lead his people out of slavery to a land occupied by the Nephilim.

    I remember that Moses is called the friend of God, a person whom confers with God face to face. That Moses has seen incredible signs, wonders, & miracles worked in & through him by the power of God.

    And still he is humble.




    I ponder... I think that there's a special susceptibility to pride that christians have - without even giving 2 thoughts to it... it hides out in our using of our relationship & standing before God to measure ourselves, ranking ourselves against others. Glorying in our humility, our faithfulness. Measuring ourselves by the Great Things that we will do for God. By aspiring to do Great Things, even Greater Things than others do, all the while forgetting what God really wants from us is that we would 'do justly, love mercy, walk humbly...' Not that we admit to doing it, but it happens just the same...

    CS Lewis writes:

    Pride always means enmity - it is enmity. And not only enmity between man and man, but enmity to God. In God you come up against something which is in every respect immeasurably superior to yourself. Unless you know God as that - and, therefore, know yourself as nothing in comparison - you do not know God at all.

    As long as you are proud, you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you...Mere Christianity p.124





    The more I think about the 1John passage, the more I see a root of discontent lurking, waiting to be planted in me. A discontent with what I am. What I have. What I'm doing. What God has provided. And this discontent rashly & repeatedly looks for its fulfillment in the world we live in... And then God becomes a tool that I use to further my reach - to indulge the cravings of my eyes, my flesh, & my pride.

    Sigh.
    I spent 10 years of my life as a volunteer & vocational youth worker... & know firsthand the very real pressure that exists in wanting, needing to be 'cool' in the eyes of the students that one is working with.

    And yes, the video is over-the-top. But I bet while you watch it, you just MIGHT think that Ignatius starts to remind you of a someone you've known before... & comments on a bit of the mockery we've made of a relationship with God...


    flesh

    This is a continuation of some thoughts I started processing through HERE.

    Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires (cravings, lusts, & longings) of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever. 1John 2:15-17 ESV





    I ponder… “the cravings, lusts, & longings “of the flesh… with the word flesh meaning me, my physical body, & my human nature – my natural propensities, bents, drives, & inclinations. It’s not a call to live in denial of my humanity – can’t change that, don’t want to. It’s also not an indictment as ‘inherently unholy’ the God-instilled drives of hunger, thirst, & sexuality…

    That’s important to note because there are places, pockets of belief really, where people get lost; places that equate holiness with abstaining from anything enjoyable or nice – that the more they would deny their ‘fleshly’ (see: human) desires, the more spiritual that they would be. And the converse would be true also – those that DIDN’T deny those impulses were less spiritual & holy.




    Galatians 5:16,17 tells us to walk in the Spirit, & we won’t fulfill the lusts of the flesh… & that the flesh & Spirit are at odds with each other… What I see is that I will get into trouble if I put my natural drives & desires in charge of me, in the drivers seat if you will – letting them & them alone guide my thoughts, choices, decisions, & what I give myself to.

    The ‘walking in the Spirit” is where self-control comes in – not me trying to keep myself in check, but living life under the direction & guidance of the Holy Spirit. Acknowledging, even declaring that there’s more to life than self-indulgence, doing what I feel, following my cravings – that even though I’m 100% human, the most important thing to me is obedience to God, & living the Christ-following life…




    Here's a thought:

    To go to an extreme either way is destructive & displays the rotting fruit of a flesh-driven life….


    Hmmm.

    It's easier to see the results of self-indulgent excess - wanton debauchery, the life of the Prodigal in Vegas, letting one's proverbial 'freak-flag-fly'... I believe that there's just as much deadly flesh evident in the extreme ascetic lifestyle, though in christianity the latter is often held up as something desirable & to be aspired to...

    I'm still pondering...

    eyes...

    For the last couple of weeks, I've been pondering a section of 1John that has come back to me a few times since reading it... & the next few posts are my processings through it, in no real order... First, the section:

    Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever. 1John 2:15-17 ESV


    In reading that, what grabbed me 1st was the phrase, 'all that is in the world...' As though the following statements are revelatory about specific ways that we are seduced into sin... I looked up the word translated as "desires," & found that it is also translated as

    'craving, lust, &/or longing for that which is forbidden...Strongs Concordance - G1939"




    Desires of the eyes... what I want. Need. And seeing that I want, no, need what I don't have. I sense an erosion of contentedness, knowing that my next bout of 'happiness' hinges on the accumulation of some thing, some material possession that will Finally put me over the edge into bliss. Until the next craving hits. This desire is never satisfied. It has a roving eye, portraying, promising an emptiness of life unless an attempt is made at fulfilling the craving. Which always returns. With a vengeance.

    Makes me contemplate what I'm looking at. What catches my eyes? Maybe its the studies I've been doing on idols & Idolatry, but I think this is a fleshing out of a visible, tangible idol; an idol whose face changes, that takes on different shapes. An idol that is hinting at, & occasionally flaunting 'completeness of me,' as seen through the jaded, jealous, & judgmental eyes of a nameless, faceless, yet oh so important Other person that will either accept or reject me based upon what I have. Or don't.

    I can feel it in the pit of my stomach.




    So the extremist emerges - rather than accumulate, I will divest myself of this materialism, go 'minimalist' & detach myself from all of my possessions, & even from the desire to possess, choosing instead to subsist on the bare minimum... & maybe just a bit less. Yep. That'll do just fine.

    But there's a nagging sense that all I've done is exchange one side of the coin for the other. And that the comparisons, the cravings, the lurking enticement remains, though with a different face.




    I come back to think on what it means to be "content." To be able to be at peace, at rest, with a little. Or with a lot. To not need an external 'security blanket' that can rot, burn, be stolen, be misplaced... (no matter how nice a Goodall Walnut Standard would make me FEEEEEEL...)

    To put my eyes where they belong. On Jesus Christ, the author & finisher of my faith... who was tempted in every way that I am, but Who didn't give in to sin. Who saw through the empty promises of the lusts & desires, & chose instead obedience...

    a picture says a thousand words...

    With props to David Hayward - check out his blog & art site HERE to experience a thought provoking & refreshing (read: challenging) approach to life in its fullness...

    there & back again... Friday musings...

    I spent the 1st part of this week in Los Angeles… San Dimas, if you want to get specific… It’s the home of Bill & Ted, as well as Life Pacific College. I had the good fortune to be able to travel with Brother, & to hang out with some dear friends, both of whom there is years of history. Had gut level talks… listened… laughed a lot. Discovered a great pub, on St. Patrick’s Day to boot, one that specialized in Belgians… the set up of the pub reminded me a lot of the ‘traditional’ Frankfurt/Sachsenhausen restaurant, albeit with a long, tall table instead of a standard one. Great times.




    On that note, Brother & I stayed in the dorms - Floor 3 of Bldg D, #315. Through a series of negotiations that I shall not get into here I ended up with the top bunk, which was a great gig once I found a way to actually GET to the top bunk. Ended up having to climb up the desk/bookshelf & then launch myself up & over the rail. It was quite the experience. Not as comfy as sleeping in my very own bed with my very own theBean, but it was cool - esp. with the novelty of sharing a room with buddies.




    One of the highlights for me was sitting in on classes - Pentateuch/Torah, where the class was in the beginnings of working through Leviticus - talked about the theme being "Becoming who we are" - never heard it described that way. In light of that, the rituals (ceremonies, practices, daily reminders) lose their strange-ness, & take on a special quality... seeing a people be-becoming... learning to step into their calling & identity. Nice job David.

    The other classes we went to were Biblical Preaching & a Youth Ministry seminar class, with 7 students who are already out & about involved in youth stuff. The professor had to go to a "meet & greet" for about 40 minutes, leaving Brother & I to talk to & with the students. It was a highlight, & really sparked me to remember how much I enjoy 'school with a purpose'; learning, growing, being challenged in my thought processes, having to formulate new ideas & new conclusions. Good stuff.




    One of the other reasons Brother & I were there was to explore some distance learning ops - not a whole lot has surfaced, but in some way we'll be back at school, if only from afar.

    It also spurred on & reignited some old ideas for a local institute within our church family - we'll see.




    At youth group right now we're talking about "Image & Identity" - reflecting on the fact that we've been made in God's image. We aren't mistakes. Individually, we've been marked as God's masterpieces, unique, special, & well-made, really coming to life in all of its fullness as we embrace who God made us to be.

    And the enemy of that are the forces that exist to conform - reshape us, using a '1 size fits all' approach. Its easy to look outward, to the country & culture that we're living within... with its ideas about beauty, acceptable body shape, what to eat/drink, how to live... with the pressure to conform & take on behaviors & an 'acceptable' outward appearance to really fit in with those around us, even though it means living inauthentically based on someone else's version of what I'm supposed to be & do.

    I was talking to a friend yesterday about this, & what came up was the sneaky & insidious way this same type of thing exists within the Church... where the pressure to become a 'good christian' with approved & authorized 'good christian behaviors, thoughts, characteristics, & preferences' can seemingly force us into a mold where we're just as focused on the outward appearance, going through the motions of living this 'good christian life' in order to gain the approval of others within the Machine. All in the name of becoming a disciple. But WHOSE disciple? Faking the funk, putting on a show that we're outwardly ok, while dying on the inside - living in a virtual prison of not wanting to do the WRONG thing, leaves us undeveloped, immature, & fearful. Is this the 'life in all of its fullness' Jesus came to bring? Don't think so.

    Worse, the longer we go, the more difficult it can be to break out - because the longer we live the lie, the more fear & shame piles up, trapping us in a cycle of inaction.

    Makes me think... The enemy isn't always out THERE.




    I'm stoked. Tonight, we get to go to Carson to hang with the Locke clan: brothers & fams. My dad's birthday is tomorrow, & to celebrate, we're gathering tonight for a Giant Apple Pancake (GAP.) Let me 'splain.

    Back in the day, momentous occasions in our household meant going to Johnny Ascuaga's for a GAP - its a monstrous, dense, battered concoction, smothered with apples, cinnamon, butter, & powduhed sug-ah, then topped with syrup. The batter itself has to sit out for a day, & it takes at least 20 minutes to cook, & involves a 'flipping of the Pancake" that can (& sometimes did) result in disaster. Going to Johnny A's meant an adventure, not knowing if our delicacy would actually make it to the table intact, but that if it did, we were going to eat & eat well, at least until the sugar coma came on.

    At some point, Johnny A realized that the GAP was more trouble than it was worth - to him at least - & stopped serving it. He did, however, put the recipe out for the adventurous soul that would try to recreate the greatness of the GAP.

    My dad, being the brave soul that he is, took up that challenge, & over the years has become quite the GAP maker. Chef-like even, producing GAPs that rival the best I ever had at Johnny A's, marking great days, holidays, & just becauses with sweetness.

    But up until now, he's the only one that knows what it takes to pull this off... I say until now, because we (me, brother Ben, & brother Moe & fams) have been invited to not only partake in the eating tonight, but also in the making, so that we too can carry on this great tradition of decadence. Ahh.

    Should be fun.




    Spring sports season is upon us. Pasty is in track. I-Doey is in baseball. TheWeez is a proper footballer (soccer to us 'mericans) & I'm in softball. TheBean is breaking out her cheerleading outfit as I type... :)




    Life is beautiful. Tim & David, thanks for a great week.

    a little humility...


    This afternoon after work, I went for a 4 mile run - nice & invigorating, especially after the sun the went down. (Read: invigorating means It was icy-cold.) Fortunately, I made sure to dress for the weather, meaning that my little ears, hands, & feet were all ably cared for & amply covered by the appropriate runners-wear.

    The only thing that really suffered was my lips - the cold caused them to get pretty chapped by the time I was done. Usually, I carry a tube of "Lip Service," (Vanilla Ice flavor if you must know,) but today, it slipped my mind, so by the last 1.5 miles, all I could think about was getting to the car, (the Ex, the car theBean usually drives) & the tube of Burt's Bees that I'd seen in the center console. It made me fast.




    I got to the car & applied the Burt's Bees liberally. Ahh. Relief.

    Had a couple of places to go. 7-11 for a Double Gulp fill up. USPS.

    When I got to Sev- (which of course is the way all the Cool Guys refer to 7-11), the people in line at the soda fountain gave me a look. A double take. Enough that I noticed. I felt like the guy behind the counter was trying not to look at me. Hmmm. As I paid the $1.19 for the refill, a guy that had just come in stopped & said, "Nice!" & then kept walking. People are weird.

    At the Post Office, it was more of the same. What is UP with people today?

    Got home & got ready to take a shower... happened to glance in the mirror on my way to bathing (no, it wasn't an Innerspace, "Tuck Pendleton, gazing in the mirror moment,") & saw that I looked... shiny. Glittery. Shimmery even. My lips were rosy. And sparkly. Uh oh.

    I re-clothed & went to the Ex, to the center console where the Burt's Bees was... Turns out, I HAD applied the familiar Burt's Bees. But it also turns out, my favorite lip balm company also makes a product known as "Champagne Shimmer." And all the afternoon's funny looks make sense.

    And I feel pretty...

    a little help?

    I'd like to ask a favor of you - reader of this blog, the readers that I know, the blog-lurkers that I don't... even the random person that stumbled across this page in a chance Google search or 'go to next blog' moment.

    I'm doing some studying for some writing & a speech or two, & would like to utilize your vast life experience to help myself out...




    When you hear/think of the words "REPENT" & "REPENTANCE", what comes to your mind? What do you think of? It might be:

  • An image

  • thought

  • concept

  • idea

  • even a specific memory


  • Thanks in advance for your input.
    Ciao!

    The confronting of fear, lies, & other Friday fun...

    The experiences & interactions of the last few days have given me cause to... pause. Reflect. Pray. In the middle of it, what keeps running through my head is this:
    Jesus traveled through all the cities & villages of that area, teaching in the synagogues & announcing the Good News about the Kingdom. And wherever He went, He healed people of every sort of disease & illness. He felt great pity for the crowds that came, because their problems were so great & they didn’t know where to go for help. They were like sheep without a shepherd. He said to his disciples, “The harvest is so great, but the workers are so few. So pray to the LORD who is in charge of the harvest; ask Him to send out more workers for His fields.” Matthew 9:35-38 NLT


    Luke 10:1,2 also relays this story - with the added context of Jesus' sending out 72 disciples, with the instructions to be doing the same as Him... & to pray for God, the LORD of the harvest - to send more workers for His fields...

    And it resonates - not just because of the faceless masses, people I don't know... but because of those within "my circle" - friends, & friends of friends - people needing the Good Shepherd, so many with such a wide range of needs that it almost drives me to distraction... I dig. Why?

    It bothers me so much because of my own felt inadequacy, & brokenness - & I wonder what I can do? I know Jesus Christ, & I'm following Him. I know that the Holy Spirit convicts, changes, & transforms, brings from darkness to light. And I 'know' my role is to be somebody that lives, that models, Christ in me, doing what He would do, being what He is in the context of my circle. And yet I'm afraid. If & when I engage with people, I'm afraid it won't be enough. I articulate my fear: what if God doesn't follow through?

    Now. It's out. Brought into the light, the fear that has been twisting me, nagging in the shadows of my heart is exposed for what it is. A lie, sown in doubt, used to trip me to hopelessness. Inaction. Distraction. To focus solely on my own issues, short-comings, areas that need to be 'put back together'... & not falling on the freedom, entering the adventure of faith, trust, & life. Knowing that I know that I know that God is able to heal. Restore. Transform. Forgive. Love. And that He has commissioned, empowered, & strengthened me to do just that. And to look for opportunities to do so.

    So instead of waiting for someone else, someone stronger, farther along, more competent, more 'together' to be one of the 'workers' in His harvest, I know that God has sent me instead. And you. And it starts with love. First me receiving it from God, then sharing what I've been given with others. I choose love - healthy, Godly, unconditional, love. To speak the truth in love. Invest in people, without regard for what's in it for me? Without hope of reciprocity. And I pray along with the Apostle Paul:

    When I think of the wisdom & scope of God’s plan, I fall to my knees & pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven & on earth. I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will give you mighty inner strength through His Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more & more at home in your hearts as you trust in Him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, & how deep His love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life & power that comes from God. Now glory be to God! By His mighty power at work within us, He is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope. May He be given glory in the church & in Christ Jesus forever & ever through endless ages. Amen. Ephesians 3:14-21

    Hope...

    It's #2 sons 14th birthday today - tomorrow, early in the a.m. he & I are off to San Francisco for a one-day speed tour of the City. We're going to AT &T Park for a tour; to Ghirardelli Square for some chocolate & na-nas; to Pier 39 for... Pier 39. And maybe the Hard Rock Cafe. And then we're off to the University of California-San Francisco (UCSF) Medical Center. Why a hospital?

    #2 son has been asking a lot of questions about my brother Johnny - wanting to know him, reconstruct his likes/dislikes, experience the personality of the one uncle that he knows only through pictures, a few home videos, & the stories of those who knew him. A part of Johnny's story involves his battle with cancer - & UCSF is where almost 5% of his life was lived - for treatment, recovery, & the like. And #2 son wants to know this place - & as difficult as it is for me to go there, with the painful memories, sorrow, & loss... we're going.


    Makes me feel a bit pensive - leaves me wondering, examining how I see the world, or how I view it. The lens through which I see it, a lens that I believe I am responsible for putting on/taking off. Watching the news, checking in with Drudge, hearing story after story of the dismal economy, holiday season layoffs, record high home foreclosures, equally high number of bankruptcies, & a war in the Middle East that just doesn't seem to get any closer to resolution... a lens of 'reality'... reminds me that I want to, I need to choose something different.

    I don't want to choose negativity, to speak words of 'reality,' death, nitpickiness, complaint, slander, criticism, harshness, destruction - over & about me or others. I think that I'm finding that a person will find just what it is that is looked for. And if my lens is negative, down, destructive, 'reality based,' I will find those things - & think on them. Talk about them. Spread the cloud of negativity like a flu-virus in the wintertime spreads.

    I'm challenged to take on a new lens, one that almost feels forced, like a new pair of glasses that have never been worn, all the while knowing that the new glasses are the right prescription, & they fit like they should - but I'm so used to ill-fitting, poorly prescribed glasses that the real deal, the good ones don't seem right. Its upside down, & I want to be right side up.

    The new lens is to look to enjoy life's relationships - rather than to pick them apart as inadequate, to place blame where its due -instead to be a radical extender of grace, esp. where it's not 'deserved'... as if I have deserved it ever? To look for joy instead of sorrow - to hope & to be filled with hope, even when the 'track record' tells me otherwise. To have faith, to believe against all odds that the One I serve really is able to move mountains. To perform what He says. To rescue. To deliverer. To transform.

    Maybe this makes me an optimist. A deny-er of so-called reality... So be it. And my answer to you is:

    Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things - trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play-world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia.... [W]e're leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Puddleglum - The Silver Chair, from The Chronicles of Narnia


    Here's to looking for Overland.

    Friends #4 - Randomness...

    This post, (& maybe the next couple) may be a bit random... I attribute that to the seeing an abstract concept like "friendship" as a series of sometimes related pictures...


    I suppose it would be easier to tell if someone was more Jonadab than Jonathan if they wore name tags, or if their whole life body of friendships was downloadable for review... but to my knowledge, that just doesn't happen. And I don't believe that the "Sarah Connor Chronicles" alternative, trust no one, is a viable option, as going through life with a mistrust, suspicion, & paranoia just don't cut it either...


    With that said, I also think that listening to my gut has been helpful - if by gut I mean the nudge of the Holy Spirit - something that discounts the exterior, how much polish or presentability a person can bring to the table. Just about every time I've had one of those "something's just not right here," & ignored it, it turned out that the 'unease in the gut' was spot on. Maybe it shouldn't be 100% of the test for whether or not I start/continue a friendship with someone, but it would be foolish to ignore it.


    Actions speak louder than words - & if someone's actions belie their words, I tend to trust the actions... most recently, I had a situation where a guy I'd never met, a guy in the same line of work as me, wanted to get together for lunch, to talk about things, & to 'build some relationship.' Sounds like fun, right? Except that for the past year, the same guy had been engaging in what I would consider to be consistent, unscrupulous, & unethical behavior, directly related to me & situations/people etc. that I was responsible for. So, though it was bewildering to the other guy, I let him know that I'm not starting at "Buddies" with him, no matter what his job is, or what he says. His actions & words are incongruent - & though I'm not shut down from ever seeing something come out of that 'relationship' - growth, healing, etc., I'm also not going to try to be a 'good Christian' or a 'nice person' & ignore the behavior, which I believe perpetuates more unhealth, this time close to something that whacks me in the head.

    Friends don't talk smak about you when you're not around.

    I've got a good heart...

    Over the last week, I've been undergoing tests on my heart, some of which I've written about HERE. Yesterday, I went in for my 'evaluation', where the good Dr. Nylk (rhymes with Milk) would interpret for me the results of all the tests I had last week, & let me know what, if anything, I'd need to do to follow up...

    After arriving & being ushered to the chilly examination room, I had the privilege of waiting an hour. I took the opportunity to reflect, send text messages to theBean, & to kick back with my eyes closed... Waiting has its perks.

    Dr. Nylk came in & started with, "Great news," which I think is a nice way to start a 'heart-test-result-evaluation' if you ask me. The EKG is 'perfect,' (his word, that he used throughout the evaluation.) The echo-cardiogram is 'perfect, as a heart should be.' The thickness of the heart muscle is 'perfect.' The results of my lipid panel (cholesterol test) show that my LDL (bad) levels are well within acceptable limits at 97. My triglycerides came in at 88, also very good, & my HDL (good) levels were a whopping 85, which he said was incredible, as it is a real treat to get the HDL level on most people to 40.

    The evaluation bottom line: I don't need to go back, & he doesn't ever want to see me again.

    Hooray.


    Part of my reflection in the waiting room was about the process that I've been going through in getting my heart muscle evaluated... going through various tests, examinations, indignities, & pokes, then waiting to hear from someone with some good perspective, someone who could speak with authority as to the health of my heart. It reminded me how similar this process has been to my own journey on emotional health & well-being, my time at CSR, meetings with Chuck, re-evaluating priorities, values, & asking God to 139me. I may blog this in more depth...


    I'm glad to hear that my test results were 'perfect'. I also underestimated what the effect of said results would be on my kids, esp. the Pasty Gangster. He held onto me for about 10 minutes & told me how happy he was that my heart was good. At one point, I tried to detach from his squeeze (he's 6', 180# of solid muscle & he was loving me TIGHT) & he said, "Dad. I'm not done."

    I want the results of my spiritual heart exam to be good as well. For me, & for my kids, & for the kids they eventually have, because a bad heart can be & is often hereditary.

    Here's to good hearts.

    faces...

    My friend Chumley use to tell me that after spending a few days at Youth camp together, people would come up to him & because he’s my buddy, would ask him about me:
    “Dude, what wrong with that guy? He looks so................” (Fill in the blank with your favorite ‘negative word-association’ – some that came up a lot were:

  • angry.
  • shut down.
  • frustrated.
  • anti-social.
  • scary.
  • cold.
  • intimidating.

    Chum would inevitably laugh, his big, infectious laugh, the one that makes everyone around him feel like a million bucks, & puts them immediately at ease, & he’d say something like, “He’s not ........................, he’s just tired.”

    Thanks for that, David. Wish I had you around to give a primer on what the look (or absence thereof) means…



    Sigh.
  •